He Looked So Sad, She Was Just Afraid
by howardtduck48
Summary: AU. 4x19. Beckett says those fateful words and Castle hears. A different response.
1. He Looked So Sad

**AN: I do not own anything related to the TV series CASTLE but I love that so many seasons exist. (UPDATED: Spelling corrections and a few minor sentence alterations. Nothing significant.)**

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter 1: He Looked So Sad, She Was Just Afraid<strong>

She found him in the observation room some hours later. He was staring through the glass at the floor in the area beyond. He didn't move when the door opened and she stepped inside.

"Thanks for the coffee earlier." He didn't respond.

Gently, she walked to him. "It's rough, I know. As you said, all those people - their hopes gone in an instant."

He moved then, inhaled a shuddering breath. She almost thought she saw a tear in his eye but it may have been a reflection from the light in the room beyond. He didn't look at her.

"We've got some time for the moment. You want to catch a bite at Remy's? Maybe you can finish telling me what you were going to before we had to get back into it."

He moved again, turned his head in her direction, his gaze resting on her left shoulder, through her shoulder, past her shoulder. He would not look in her eyes. He looked so sad.

"Kate..." He had tried to keep his voice neutral, tried not to let the pain churning inside escape. He failed. She could hear how badly he failed.

He straightened, bringing himself to his full height, gathering his badly-concealed and oh-so-raw emotions as his body turned to align parallel with hers. He still looked at her left shoulder, through her shoulder, past her shoulder. He still could not bring himself to look into her eyes. She wanted to hug him and take this pain away.

"Kate..." he tried again and now he did look at her, did look into her eyes and despite the pain his eyes were true. "You know I love you. I know you don't feel the same." He glanced away, through her shoulder, past her shoulder. A small regretful smile curled his mouth, eyes crinkled at thoughts of lost hopes, vanishing dreams. There was love there but it was screaming. His gaze returned to hers and she knew it was not a reflection from the adjacent room.

"Do you know how hard it is to be around the person you love day after day knowing it can never be? I can't do it anymore. I'm not built that way. I'm sorry." He _was_ sorry, his sorrow a pounding drum. "I'm not strong enough." He turned away, his shadowed gaze seeking the other door, the door not past her shoulder. His hand grasped the handle then he spoke once more before the words retreated from him, possibly for now, possibly for ever. "Please don't call me."

Then he was gone. From the room. From the precinct. From her life?

* * *

><p><em>Oh god!<em> She couldn't move. _Oh god! He heard! 'I was shot in the chest and I remember every second of it!' _He had heard and she had lied and she had hurt him and _Oh god, why couldn't she have told him? Why couldn't she now run after him? She couldn't have told him then, couldn't have told him on her return, could have told him after._

Why couldn't she move?

She had hurt him. _Worse than Sophia? Worse than Kyra? Worse than Gina. Worse than Meredith._ She had hurt him and she had hurt him and he had given her his heart and she wanted him to and she had hurt him. She hadn't meant to. She loved him. But her motives mattered only to her. He didn't have to care. She had hurt him.

When had she fallen for him? Before Josh? Before Tom? How many lifetimes had she been hurting him?

Why did she hurt him?

It was the fear. The fear had been there a long time. She had lost her mother. She almost lost her father. She wasn't strong enough. She couldn't handle another.

She had hurt him. _Had she lost him? _Was she strong enough? Was this another?

She should run after him - he would only be in the carpark, in front of the building - but she couldn't move. She was ashamed. She had lied to him because she couldn't cope with all of it. She had been shot. She needed to recover from being shot. She needed all of her energy and her focus and her strength to recover from being shot, to keep her job, to get out of bed each day, to love him in silence.

She should have told him. Told him she remembered. Told him she couldn't deal just then. Couldn't deal with that change. Would he have listened? Would he have stayed? She needed her solid ground. She needed the familiar. She needed his support. She was selfish. Does he think she was cruel? He said he loved her. She was afraid to lose him.

Had she now lost him?

She had lost Royce. She really loved him. He threw that away.

She was not happy. Except when he was near. She had lost her mother. She couldn't find her killer. Did she deserve to be happy? Even with him near?

Could she find the balance? Could she make a choice? She loved her mother. She really loved him. How could she choose?

She was not a coward. She had faced down danger. She had confronted killers. She brought down monsters. She fought the Grim Reaper. She was just afraid.

She had already lost him. She broke their always. She was empty. Nothing left to throw away. She didn't know how.

* * *

><p>The young detective found her there an hour later, tears still streaming down her face. She didn't try to hide and he tried not to look.<p>

* * *

><p>He would finish the book. It was the last one on the contract. But he wouldn't kill her. He would put it on the page and he would purge his soul and he would speak of all the losses he would never know but he wouldn't kill her. He would let her love.<p>

There was a soft footstep. He looked up to see her standing in the doorway. She looked so small. She looked so young. Her eyes held steady with his. He couldn't handle the friend zone. It was selfish. It was unfair. But he couldn't handle the friend zone.

"I love you, Richard Castle. I've loved you since before I even met Tom. I wish I could have told you. I wish I could have said."

He looked away.


	2. The Silence Was Worse Than Talking

_**Author's Note: Apologies to all but this chapter is literally filler. It fits before the final section of the first chapter and I'm sorry if you were expecting a follow-on from Kate's declaration. I plan to write that but I need to write this and more before I can get there - and since I have to write it I've decided to publish it as a promise to give you more. I will try not to let you down.**_

_**To those who commented and those who have followed: Thank you. It is incredibly humbling to know you liked that first chapter enough to even want more. I hope I don't disappoint you too much.**_

_**I promise I will give you a third chapter as soon as I can.**_

_****(UPDATED: Spelling corrections and a few minor sentence alterations. Nothing significant.)****_

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter 2: The Silence Was Worse Than Talking, The Talking Was Worse Than Silence<strong>

_Earlier_

Two days.

It had been two days and her life was over.

She was existing, she was functioning. After Ryan caught her in the observation room and they both pretended there was nothing unusual about the tears streaking her cheeks and the hoarse quivering in her voice, she made a quick trip to the precinct bathroom and washed all evidence from her face. Not all. Her eyes were too puffy. She blamed it on the case. Told everybody who noticed, everybody who queried that _this_ was the case. The case that finally got to her. The one that showed she was only human. These people. Their lives. They had been planning on eating, on shopping, on drinking, on laughing, on loving, on eloping, on wedding and now their lives were just over.

It had been two days and Ryan had brought the file to her desk and in it she found a clue and that led to another clue and in the end to an arrest, the case was solved, the co-killer put away - but her life, it was over.

She didn't have Castle. She had thrown him away. He was the best thing that had ever happened to her and she had thrown him away. He deserved more. She wasn't strong enough and he deserved more. She deserved her life being over.

She finished the final piece of paperwork, strode as confidently as she could to the break room, made a coffee that tasted of battery acid and monkey pee then returned to her desk. She didn't touch the expresso machine. That was for the others. Not for the one who hurt him. Not for the one whose life was over.

His chair was still there. Her throat felt blocked. Her heart was tearing open. She wanted to move it, have someone take it back to storage, take it herself, but she deserved to feel the pain. She needed to feel the pain. When it was gone then he was really gone and she didn't want him gone but she had hurt him and he was gone and her life was really over.

And the others would know that her life was now over.

Yesterday, Espo said he had seen Castle leaving and he was really cut-up about the case and he asked if he had said he would be taking a break for a few days. She shrugged, said she'd call him but he told her not to call. She wouldn't call. She couldn't call. Her life was just over.

Today, Ryan talked with Espo, pretended they were joking about something. She saw the sidelong glance. Saw the concern in his eyes. He saw her looking and slapped Espo on the shoulder, pretending they were joking. Tears and no Castle. Ryan knew her life was now over.

She didn't care that her life was over.

It was only everything she now deserved.

* * *

><p>"What's up with Castle?"<p>

"He hasn't been in since the bombing. Couldn't even finish it. He was really cut-up."

"He won't let Alexis come back. She called. Upset. Said he grounded her. I don't know... I think... It was something else. I don't think he grounded her."

"Mom misses him. Stares at his chair. Kinda creepy. Be glad when he's back."

"Is he going to come back?"

"Of course, he'll be back. Why wouldn't he be back?"

* * *

><p>"He's not coming back."<p>

"What? No, bro, he's-"

"I saw her. He's not coming back."

'What? You saw her? It's the bombing- he saw the b- It was bad for me. Over there. First IED. Second IED."

"No."

"He'll come back. He'll get over it. He'll deal. Then he'll come back."

"I don't think he's coming back."

* * *

><p>"Mr Castle not in today?"<p>

"He- the bombing. It really shook him. Alexis saw- he needs time with her."

"She okay?"

"Lanie says she's okay."

"How is he? Don't read anything into that - I'm not softening. How is he?"

"He's... it's hard. He'll... he'll get over it. It's hard but he'll get over it."

"And then he'll be back?"

* * *

><p>He wasn't going back.<p>

Two days. He told her.

He wasn't going back.

The loft was quiet. Too quiet. It was never this quiet. She wasn't there. She rarely came over but she was always there. It was too quiet. Now she'll never be there. Would she always be there?

He loved her. He still loved her. He wanted to stop loving her. He wasn't strong enough to ever stop loving her.

He'll soon stop loving her.

He put on a song. The loft was too quiet so he'll fill it without her. Fill it with songs. But they mustn't make sense. He couldn't handle the songs that made sense. He still loved her and he needed the songs not to make sense.

The songs all made sense.

He put on a movie. The guy said he loved her. It's a zombie movie. There is no love in zombie movies. The guy said he loved her and she loved the way Natalie beheaded those zombies with a samurai sword and this wasn't Natalie and these weren't those zombies but the guy he still loved her and oh god, he still loved her. Oh god, he couldn't love her.

The loft was too quiet.

The cursor sat blinking. Nikki still loved him. She hadn't said it - had she said it? - but she still loved him. He knew she still loved him. Why couldn't _she_ love him?

He couldn't write in quiet.

The bed was too big. She'd never been here. She'd often been here. Every night she'd been here. The bed was too big because she'll never be here. Oh god, why did he love her?

He had to stop, not love her.

She stared at the board and he stared at her stare. Was that when he loved her? When did he not love her? He always- he loved her.

Red hair was back and he always did love it. Always did love them. He could never stop loving them. Never remembered not loving them. Would always keep loving them.

But, oh! A revelation. He still loved her.

Two days. He told her.

He wasn't going back.

* * *

><p>"I can sit in silence and stare all day if you like, honey. I'm not going anywhere." Soulful eyes. Caring eyes. She didn't deserve caring eyes.<p>

She sighed. She didn't want to talk but she came here so she did want to talk. "There's nothing to say."

"There's everything to say, girl, you're just not saying it." Frustration. Again, the frustration. She only ever brought frustration. _Don't go there! She can't go there!_

"He moved on. He... he decided he couldn't do this anymore and he moved on. It's nearly four years. It's a tough job and this case- Alexis- really brought it home."

The silence was worse than talking.

"He moved on. He couldn't hang around the precinct forever. It was going to happen one day. It just happened to be that day."

The talking was worse than silence.

"He left without saying goodbye."

"He said goodbye."

"That was rude. He should have let us know. Thrown a party. I thought we were friends. Even colleagues throw parties."

"He asked me to say goodbye. It was hard. He couldn't d- he could- he asked me to say goodbye. He said goodbye."

"You don't throw a party for colleagues you hate. Maybe he hated us. I thought we were friendly but maybe he hated us."

"He loved you."

"Better not tell Javi. He might say something about that."

"But you-?"

"It's complicated." A smile. She knows that smile. That smile hurts. She knows why that smile and why it hurts. She always made it so complicated.

She didn't want to talk.

"What is it really, sweetie?" Voice softer, voice caring, voice loving. That was enough for Lanie. It wasn't enough for him. She couldn't demand it be enough for him.

"He left me. He told me he loved me and then he left me."

Lanie frowned. Sometimes being Kate's friend left her struggling to understand. She was elliptical. She rarely said things straight out. She was hidden and sometimes she left out the connecting tissue that allowed all that she was saying make a lick of sense.

"That don't make a lick of sense."

"Doesn't." Automatic. He had left a piece of himself behind. He had left a lot of himself behind. He had left the most important piece of her behind.

"When he comes back, he can correct my grammar. Why would he leave if he told you he loved you? And damn, if that a- isn't about time!"

"When I was shot."

The silence was worse than talking.

"He told me when I was shot."

The talking was worse than silence.

Lanie took this slow. There was a lot to say but she knew she needed to take this slow. _Slowly. Damn you, Writer Boy. Now you got me doing it!_ She would miss him. He was fun. He could be charming. If he really wasn't coming back, she would miss him. But- thought for another day. Focus. Kate was here. Lanie had to take this slowly.

"You told us you didn't remember anything."

"I lied to you. All of you."

Nods. "Got that. Why?"

"I'm sorry."

"We're friends. I'm over it. Why?"

"I couldn't deal."

"Couldn't deal... with...?"

"I'd been shot, Lanie. I'd been shot."

Quietly. A whisper over a grave. "I know. I was there."

"I'm sorry."

"Don't you ever apologize for that."

The silence could be hard. Comfortable. Comfortable but hard. Comfortable and hard.

"Kate... "

"I couldn't deal. I needed solid ground. He was my solid ground. If I told him and he pushed- I couldn't have dealt. I would have run away."

Gently. Non-judgementally. "You did run away."

A whisper from a grave. "I know." Pushed past a choking throat. "I'm sorry."

"I understand... now. But... conversation for another day. What if he hadn't pushed?"

"He would have walked away. I couldn't have loved him back then and he would have walked away. I needed him and I couldn't have dealt if he had walked away."

"He loves you, honey. He wouldn't have walked away."

"That's why he's walked away."

Conversations. Kate. Hard.

"You're messing with my head, honey. Just say it. Say it all. Tell me what happened."


	3. She Wasn't Enough, She Didn't Love Him

_**Author's Note: I owe you three apologies. I'm sorry for the delay, I'm sorry I still haven't moved onto the moment after Kate's declaration and I'm sorry I couldn't quite find the rhythm but this is the best I could do.**_

_**I'm also sorry that there'll be a delay for the next chapter but I will get there.**_

_**(Updated: Spelling corrections and a few minor sentence alterations. Nothing significant.)**_

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter 3: She Wasn't Enough, She Didn't Love Him Back<strong>

He's never been affected like this before. There have been so many over the years and they have never been inside him like this. They would come through his life and there would be one then another and then he'd move on. He didn't think I saw, but I saw. Some made him better. I could see some made him worse. He's worse now. He used to be better. I should be happy but I feel guilty. He's home. He's safe. He needed to grow up. He nearly died in front of me. He's not a cop. He looks so sad.

* * *

><p>He had to move on. Alexis was noticing. How could she not notice? She was supposed to be interning. He wasn't sure which days but she hadn't been there since- the day before. He'd brought her home, hadn't even said goodbye to- She hadn't been back since but maybe the case really got to her. That wasn't Alexis. She would have gone back. She had been helping and that was important then she saw him the next evening and she never went back.<p>

* * *

><p>"Lanie, I-" Kate halted as she saw Alexis leaning against an empty table.<p>

"Kate!" Lanie swept her gaze between the woman at the door and the girl across the table.

"Oh, Detective Beckett-" Alexis straightened, guilt flickered across her features.

"I'm sorry. I can come back-" Kate backpedalled, guilt flickered across her features.

"No. I've got to go. I just-" Alexis gestured in the direction of a bench.

"Alexis, you don't-" Kate glanced away in the direction of the bench.

"I came to bring back my scrubs." Alexis' eyes wandered anywhere but towards his partner.

"Lanie's very proud of you, Alexis." Kate's eyes wandered anywhere but towards his daughter.

"I've got to get home. D-" Alexis couldn't say it.

"How is C-" Kate couldn't ask it.

"I've got to get home." Alexis stepped toward Lanie.

"If you need to talk, I'm here to listen." Lanie wrapped around Alexis.

"Thanks, Lanie. Goodbye, K- Detective Beckett." Alexis turned.

"I- Goodbye, Alexis." Kate sidestepped.

Alexis curved her way past Kate and Kate felt her heart break a little more.

* * *

><p>Ryan looked everywhere but into his eyes. Espo looked out the loft window. He looked above their heads, tried to pretend he was looking at them but he was looking somewhere, anywhere, in the middle distance, through the wall, above their heads.<p>

"We thought you might want this. We found it on- we thought you might want it."

"Thanks, guys. Wondering where I put it. Thought it might be down the back of the couch. Didn't think- thanks."

"We thought it might be important to you. You need to keep the things that are important, bro."

"Listen, guys. I'm sorry I didn't tell-"

"Don't worry about it-" "It's the case-"

"Cases like this blow everything up."

"Yeah, yeah. Everything over in an instant. I need to move on. Can't do it anymore. It's hard dealing- when things happen like that."

"You need to move on."

They knew. He didn't think she had told them but they knew. They knew how she was. He wanted to ask them but when he opened the door he knew he didn't need to ask them. He knew how she was.

"Least you won't have to put up with Gates now."

"Just when I thought I was getting through to her."

"You were getting through, bro."

"I'd never get through enough."

"You could be right."

"You never know."

"She'll be happier without me there. She can find someone she likes better than me."

Espo looked like he wanted to smack him. Ryan's eyes darted faster but his mouth caged his tongue behind his teeth. He couldn't blame them. He was saying she wasn't good enough but he wasn't good enough. It wasn't enough.

"It's been a blast, Castle."

"We'll miss you, bro."

"I've set up a tab at the Old Haunt. Everyone. Lanie, too. Plus-ones. Thursday nights."

"Yeah, Thursdays."

"If you change your night, let Brian know."

"Thanks, bro."

"We'll miss you, Castle."

He'll miss them. Not as much as- but he'll miss them. Really, he could always- he'll miss them.

"I'll still hang out. Thursdays. I'll come and see you."

"Yeah, yeah, that'll be good."

"We don't want you to be a stranger."

"I'll never be a stranger."

"LT misses you."

"I miss LT."

* * *

><p><em>Nikki almost heard the shot-<em>

Nine months. She had known for nine months and she had told him she didn't remember. Nine months and she didn't love him. Nine months he was with her and she pretended and he hoped but she didn't love him.

She liked him. He knew that. He'd seen the smiles. He made her laugh. He made her job a bit more fun. He made her feel alive but she didn't love him. Was it enough though she didn't love him?

She didn't love him.

_Rook ran to her, hoping, praying-_

In the bank, he could see. In her eyes, he saw she cared. But she didn't love him. Not the way he needed her to love him. She didn't love him. It was enough then though she didn't love him.

He was there for her smile. A coffee. A story. A theory. The sky cracked open and God's light shone through when he made her smile. He loved her smile. His heart was shredding without her smile. Nevermore would he see her smile.

He was the man who made her life easier. She had been living for the victims. She was focussed, she was passionate, she was driven, she was determined, she cared, she didn't need him. She wanted him around and he helped her solve cases and he made her smile but she didn't need him. Was it ever enough if she didn't need him?

She liked him.

_Rook felt the arm around his neck, the barrel at his temple-_

Feathered bouquet pulled from a sleeve to make him smile. A drink to ease a tragedy. A bet won fair and square but she didn't have to take him. Dinner at Remy's, those burgers, those shakes. She liked him. He knew she liked him. She didn't love him.

When he saw her with Schlemming he couldn't be happy. Couldn't deal when he saw them close, saw them—He couldn't deal. They made a good team, he still helped her solve cases but she had chosen. Not him. He hated seeing not him. He took the first opportunity and he ran from not him. If she had still been with Schlemming would he have gone back?

Did she have to love him back?

_The water seeped through the shattered glass and Nikki struggled-_

Three months radio silence. She said she would call but she hadn't called. She was gone. He had told her he loved her and she said she didn't remember and she said there were some things better off not being remembe-

She hadn't wanted him to tell her.

Nine months and she wished he hadn't told her. She didn't love him. Why didn't she tell him? She didn't have to love him but why didn't she tell him? Nine months, she hadn't told him. He could have moved on.

She should have told him she didn't love him back.

_It was a timer. Nikki turned to Rook-_

She was with Josh. They had survived, he would have invited her to Remy's but she was with Josh. They were in LA, she seemed to see him but she was with Josh. She was recovering, he would have helped her but she was with Josh. Would he have come back if she was still with Josh?

She had liked him, she had wanted him around, she laughed with him, she had supported him and she fought the gatekeeper for him and it wasn't enough. That much of her wasn't enough and he wasn't enough to not want more.

He wanted to be with her, to see her, to kiss her, to hold her, to love her, to lose himself inside her, to sleep and eat and drink and sing and dance and smile and stay and sit in silence beside her. He wanted her. He wanted to watch as she circled her prey, wanted to be there as she went in for the kill. He wanted to make her smile and be her all. He wanted everything and always.

She didn't have to love him back.

_Styrofoam cup dropping to the floor, foam flecking her mouth-_

He had walked away. She didn't want him the way he wanted her and he had told her she wasn't good enough because he walked away. He had been helping but her partnership wasn't good enough. She had been supporting but her friendship wasn't good enough. Only everything and always was ever going to be good enough.

He loved her but he didn't love her enough. He couldn't be happy for her unless he was enough. She had to love him for her to be enough. Did he really love her if she wasn't just enough?

It wasn't enough if she didn't love him back.

_Nikki rolled with the kick, the edge of the rooftop spinning toward-_

He really loved her. He knew. He loved her. There were those who could really love her and watch as she chose another and be happy if she was happy and love her smile even while their heart was softly breaking. He wasn't one of them.

He couldn't live in the friend zone. He couldn't demand she love him back and it was unfair she had lost her friend but he wasn't strong enough to see her happy without him. He couldn't live in the friend zone. He had to move along and he needed to move along and he couldn't move along, couldn't see another while the magic she breathed was blinding him. While he was in the friend zone.

It was unfair, he knew, to her, but he had to walk away because he knew – god, how he knew - she would never love him back.

_Nikki watched his eyes flutter open and her heart soared back to itself._

He would finish the book. It was the last one on the contract.

But he wouldn't kill her.

He would put it on the page and he would purge his soul and he would speak of all the losses he would never know but he wouldn't kill her.

He would let her love.

He would let Nikki love Rook back.

She had given him nine more months of hopes and dreams. It was the least he could do.

She didn't have to love him back.

* * *

><p>The board held the clues. The evidence was there if she could only see it. She was good at seeing it. Take the photos and the timeline and study them and analyze them and scrutinize them and then she would see it. She couldn't see it.<p>

She hadn't been waiting, she'd been hiding. He said she was healing but she'd been hiding. Inside herself. Inside her dad's cabin. Inside her mom's case. Inside the door. She was always hiding.

The evidence led to the story. She needed the story. The evidence was there. Raglan. Montgomery. Coonan. Pulgatti. Armen. McCallister. Lockwood. Diane Cavanaugh. Jennifer Stewart. Scott Murray. Johanna Beckett. The story was missing.

She couldn't let her mother down. She was his inspiration. She never gave up. She was extraordinary. She didn't let go. She was his muse. She was driven. She was adorable. She didn't get to decide how the story ended.

Why hadn't he killed her? Nine months. They could have come for her at any time. He had the resources to take her out and no-one would ever find him. He would get away. She should be another on his list of victims. Why hadn't he killed her?

One foot out the door and the other one in the grave but she had never loved. She had said it, whispered it sometimes. She had enjoyed them while she was with them but it was never really love. She had never known until now that this was really love. She had thought but she hadn't known until he was gone.

Montgomery protected her. He knew the truth. He was involved but he protected her. She didn't need his protection, she needed the answer. Can you forgive someone and still be angry? He said she would go straight at the Dragon and that she couldn't win and he sacrificed himself to keep her alive and it was all a waste. They shot her anyway.

If she hadn't been dying would he have said it? She had pushed him during their argument and he hadn't said it. She- did she want him to say it? She wishes he had said it. She could have dealt with it then. Could she have said it back?

Twelve years she had lived with pain without resolution. Twelve years of family and friends and strangers telling her she was wasting her life. It was her life to waste. How could she be happy, how could she commit herself to anyone, how could she tear down her wall, how could she put both feet inside the door, how could it be a waste while he was never found?

They almost died and he saved them. He hadn't known what he was doing but he saved them. She looked into his eyes. She hugged him with her heart. She- she wanted more. He was going to say something but then Josh- and he walked away. She looked into his eyes- he walked away. She should have run after him as he walked away. Would he have said it then?

Dad said she would not have wanted her throwing away her life, but she needed to find her mother's killer. What if she never found him? Where would she be if she never found him? Alone? Never having the relationship she wanted? Even if she found him now she still wouldn't have the relationship she wanted. She had thrown it away.

They k- _she couldn't think about that_. Her heart wasn't strong enough.

If Raglan hadn't come to her would she ever have found out? Montgomery could have told her. He could have given her something, some clue, some hint. He could have helped her. He thought she would run around the house with scissors and he was right. A year of therapy and the rabbit hole was calling.

She hadn't been fair to Josh. He was- he reminded her of the guys she was with before the alley. He was a good man. He cared about her. They had fun, but he was rarely there. Was it cheating if sometimes it wasn't him in her dreams, even when he was there?

If he hadn't looked into her mother's case, if he hadn't used his guy, would she have ever known? She was angry with him. She was scared. She had spent so long trying to find the answer and a long time learning not to look and she was scared she wasn't strong enough.

That summer without the Hamptons was hard. She had missed Will and she had been with Will and she had never been with him and she had missed him more than she had ever known she possibly could. She had waited too long. She always waited too long when it mattered. It rarely mattered. It mattered now.

Find her mother's killer. Love, be happy. A choice. How could she make that choice? He had offered to help her find him and she said no. She wasn't strong enough. Maybe his guys could have helped. Maybe together they could have hunted her mother's killer and she could have loved him. It was too late.

She hadn't loved Tom. He was just- She hadn't loved Tom. He had made her breakfast and she had made him breakfast and she had seen him try not to look and he had repaired the watch and he had saved her life then Ellie Monroe. The heart wants what the heart wants but he was never after her heart. She told herself he was never after her heart. She was wrong. He had told her she was wrong.

Coonan's blood was on her hands and his hand was on her shoulder and she would never have known if not for him. Coonan would have cracked. He was military and he was granite but he would have cracked. She would have made him crack. She never had the chance to make him crack. She would have known if not for him. He had to be her hero. The gun was aimed and she had no choice...

* * *

><p>She realised she had made her choice a long time ago.<p> 


	4. You Never Meant To Hurt My Son

**Author's Note: I'm hesitant to say it but I'm quietly proud of this and am reluctant to break the mood so I'll publish now and move my other ideas to the next chapter (which may still be some time in coming.)**

**I really hope you enjoy it.**

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter 4: "You Never Meant To Hurt My Son"<strong>

"Hello, Martha." Kate looked warily at the redhead standing in the doorway but there was relief in her eyes as well. She was glad someone was home and she couldn't have faced Alexis just yet.

Martha breathed deeply and the small smile that curved her lips and the sparkle that momentarily glistened in her eyes seemed genuine to Kate. "Katherine." Her voice was light and welcoming. "Come in. It is good to see you."

Kate summoned a small smile in return and there was a small measure of hope in her voice as she responded with a simple "thank you" and stepped inside.

Martha closed the door, turned calmly toward Kate and when the detective dared glance again toward her face she saw no caution in the older woman's eyes. Martha held her gaze for a moment and Kate succeeded in not turning away to hide her shame, then the flamboyant older woman stepped forward, arms spreading wide, gently murmuring "My dear, you look like you could use a hug" and drew the betrayer of her son into her arms.

Kate folded into the hug and a small piece of dread fell from her heart as she realised this time Martha would not spin her around in gleeful welcome. This hug was deeper and Kate didn't feel she really deserved it but she would needfully accept it. "I know I've needed one," Martha continued and there was a soothing neutrality to her tone as she concluded, "these last few days."

Martha released Kate from her embrace but kept her hands gently on the younger woman's upper arms as she looked directly into the detective's eyes and softly enquired, "Is Richard expecting you?"

Kate felt as if her throat were being crushed from the inside but she forced herself to breathe deeply and in the clearest, loudest voice she could strive for whispered, "He asked me not to call."

Martha leaned back slightly, allowed herself a moment to take another deep breath and projected the warmest, most sensitive tone she could provide as she murmured, "And yet you're here."

Kate swallowed as she looked away, felt an accusation that was only in her imagination and breathed, "I'll leave if you want me to."

Martha slowly moved one of her hands from Kate's arm to touch Kate's cheek and gently urged the detective to lift her face and look into the redhead's eyes. Kate surrendered and accepted the clear blue gaze and the pronouncement of her sentence that was to come. "If I thought you had ever meant to hurt my son I would have closed the door before you had even opened your mouth."

Kate summoned every ounce of energy she had been holding in reserve to prevent herself from releasing all the tears striving relentlessly to escape into the world. "I did hurt him, Martha. I..." Kate wanted to confess her sins to the woman before her but that was unfair because she was _his_ mother and Martha didn't deserve to bear that burden.

"We always hurt the ones we..." Martha paused a moment, tilted her head as she looked into Kate's eyes and raised a questioning smile. "...love?" She wasn't expecting an answer as Kate breathed one slow breath after another, unable to trust herself to let free a single word.

Martha stepped back, moved her fingers to rest gently on Kate's shoulder and softly urged her to move forward to the island counter then her hand was dragged away as she sashayed to collect her latest refreshment from where she left it. "Would you care for a drink, darling, to settle your nerves?" she lilted back over her shoulder.

Kate followed slowly, shaking her head then realised the woman who was giving her more compassion than she deserved was unable to see it. "No, thank you, Martha." She needed to say more so Kate gathered her thoughts. "If you let me see him… I want him to know it's me talking, not... anything else."

Martha tilted her head slightly back. Kate understood she was raising her eyes to the ceiling but her words were bathed in a sad, soft fondness. "If I let you see him...?" Martha turned and her blue eyes gave more to Kate than she felt she could possibly deserve in several lifetimes. "He's been... sensitive... these past eight days. He... doesn't always deal well when... when things get complicated."

Kate felt the sting of the word but she knew she needed to feel that burn even as a hole emerged in the centre of her existence. She felt no slash from Martha's tone as her caring voice continued.

"He's been locked in there three days," she indicated his office door, "and I've never heard him typing so... continuously. He's moved into his 'Zone'…" (Martha rolled her eyes at the term and Kate almost had the strength to raise a smile.) "… and it's very hard to reach him when he's... hiding in his room. I stopped trying years ago. I've also learnt that when he... escapes from his 'Zone' he takes some time to settle back into our presence, so I'm just... noting... that he may not wish for you to see him."

Kate seemed to shrivel, her hands curling of their own accord toward her chest. Martha noticed and in three strides was before Kate, her own hands gently surrounding the younger woman's. "I'm not saying forever. I'm saying... maybe not just now."

Kate unfurled her body as much as she was able, allowed her breath to shudder as it left her being. "Did he tell you what happened?"

"I'm not sure that's something I need to know at the moment." Martha wrapped her arm around Kate's shoulders and guided her to the nearest stool, silently and gently forcing her to sit. "Would you like some water?"

"Yes, please." Kate's whisper was captured inside her throat but Martha saw the nod and moved toward the fridge. She was back in a moment with a cool glass that Kate gratefully accepted and brought quickly to her lips. After she swallowed, she blinked back still more threatening tears then turned to look directly into Martha's eyes. "Thank you."

Martha nodded, softly smiling at Kate. "Katherine... dear... you're welcome to stay here as long as you feel you need to and if he doesn't emerge today then you are more than welcome to return. I will give you a key in case we are out-"

"Oh, Martha, I couldn't-" Kate's protest at his mother's generosity died on her lips as the older woman waved her hand aside almost imperiously.

"Do you think I would give the key to my home to someone I didn't trust completely?" Martha's tone gently and firmly and warmly brooked no further argument.

Kate swallowed the lump growing in her throat, wishing she were more worthy of every gift Martha was giving her. "It feels wrong to just walk into his-"

"My son is not the only occupant of this home and I am allowed to invite my own delightful guests to visit." Martha widened her eyelids, firmly staring at Kate until the latter woman nodded.

"Thank you, Martha." Kate felt unworthy as she tried to allow herself to graciously accept the offer she was being given. "Thank you."

Martha nodded and seemed about to turn away to fetch the loft door key then stopped as if she had remembered there was more she had to say. She took a peaceful breath.

"It was clearly important to you to come here today, Katherine. I don't know what has transpired between you and Richard but it's clearly... significant to both of you. It is not my place to push for any specific outcome but if my son has a fraction of an ounce of the sense I tried to impart to him in his misbegotten extended childhood then he will let you see him and he will listen to all you have to say. And always remember, my dear, we are only ever truly hurt the worst by the ones we love the most."

With that, Martha moved away to search for the key she had promised while Kate waited on the stool, staring at the floor, wondering how she ever could deserve the love his mother was giving to the woman who had hurt her son so badly and so cruelly. If there were any more gifts given she wasn't sure whether the courage that had finally brought her to his door would be enough to stop her running.


	5. It Wasn't Indifference

**Author's Note: Thank you to all who are choosing to continue to read this story.**

**A special thank you to those choosing to follow and to comment. It is both humbling and gratifying and I really appreciate you taking the effort.**

**As always, I hope this chapter doesn't disappoint you too much. I'm not completely satisfied but it's the best I can do.**

**(Next chapter will be available as soon as I am able to complete it but there may be a delay.)**

**_****(UPDATED: Spelling corrections and a few minor sentence alterations. Nothing significant.)****_**

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter 5: It Wasn't Indifference<strong>

"What is she doing here, Grams?"

"Katherine has come to talk to Richard."

"Hasn't she done enough? Hasn't she hurt him enough?"

"I don't think she's here to hurt him further."

"She shouldn't be here at all. She should let him move on."

"Katherine believes she has something important to say."

"Why are you choosing her side? He's your son."

"You have seen how your father's eyes would sparkle when her picture would appear on his phone."

"So?"

"Would you really have me throw that away if there was a chance for it to continue?"

"There's nothing in his eyes now. She took it. There's nothing to throw away."

"Alexis, do you believe Katherine is a mean, vindictive or cruel woman?"

"… No."

"No. She cares for him, Alexis. She just… hasn't been the best at showing it."

"She still hurt him."

"I know, and the woman sitting over there understands that and is here to make amends if she can."

"Do you think she can?"

"I don't know, but I will not stand in the way of her trying."

* * *

><p>Kate remained seated on the stool near the island counter in the middle of Richard Castle's loft.<p>

When Alexis came home and saw Kate, puzzlement frowned her features then Kate watched another emotion flicker across the girl's face before being covered with an expressionless mask.

Kate couldn't read her, couldn't see which emotion she was hiding. Anger? Resentment? Disappointment? Kate felt all three towards herself. She couldn't blame his daughter for feeling the same. At least there wasn't indifference.

With a soft "Detective Beckett", Alexis moved to join her grandmother who had been watching the two women silently, glass poised before her lips. A quiet conversation ensued and Kate looked away, doing her best not to hear any of the words floating toward her.

She would have to leave soon; she had been here too long. Martha had left her alone as much as possible, occasionally making gentle queries about having some leftovers from the fridge or moving to the more comfortable position of the couch, always making her feel her presence was welcome but now Alexis' return proved that wasn't a universal truth and Kate didn't want to force his daughter to feel she had to put up with an intrusion into her family life.

She would leave soon. She wouldn't take the key. She would request that Martha ask Rick to call her but she knew he wouldn't. She knew that once she left the loft then it was over. She had hoped there may have been a chance to get through the pain she had caused, to let him know how she truly felt, to ask him to forgive her, to take her back.

She had to try. She loved him.

* * *

><p><em>Castle watched her saunter away, a smile playing across his lips and desire burning in his eyes. When she turned and gave him another appraising look and said "Thursday, 7 o'clock, Remy's," all breath left his body.<em>

_Castle moved toward her, his seductive growl outlining the only reward he would accept for saving her life. His eyes held steady with hers and when their faces were close, she moved forward to press her lips against his, bringing her hands to caress his cheeks._

_The fragrance of cherries overwhelmed him as their lips touched. He could stay in this moment forever but she was pulling away too soon. As her eyes gave him a promise for more, approaching footsteps reminded him where they were._

_He promised he would keep her secret and as he leaned forward to take the proffered chopsticks she reached her hand behind him to bring their faces together. Their lips met and parted then she leant her forehead against his, noses touching. "I love you," she whispered._

_She opened her door a little and stared at him lying on her couch. "Rick," she whispered and he stirred, looking blearily back at her face peering through the doorway. "You could protect me better from in here."_

* * *

><p>He angled his chair back, flexed his fingers, rubbed his eyes. He was finished. He was over. He was done. All he had to do was forward the manuscript to Gina and Nikki Heat would be out of his life for good. Well, except for rewrites if Gina asked for them. And the proofs. And choosing the cover gallery. And the promo tour and book signings. Nikki was nearly out of his life for good and he felt good.<p>

Not good. Better. It would be a while before he would feel good but for now he felt better. He glanced at the clock in the system tray and realised he had been in his office three days. His bleary gaze wandered across the empty snack packets and drink cans overflowing the bin. He would need to eat some real food soon, would need a real shower, would need some real sleep. The occasional catnaps that sustained him while he was cleansing his soul of the pain she had brought to him would soon lose their efficacy and the fatigue would conquer him, but for now this… lassitude felt comforting.

He put everything he had been enduring into the story, dredging feelings he hadn't even known were within him. He put Nikki and Jameson together and he tore them apart and he forced Nikki to seek out Jameson and he brought them to the brink of shattering and then he relented and made them whole once more, battered and scarred and bleeding but together, forever and always, healing. The way it should have been. The way he wished it had been. Now he felt better about the fact it would never be.

Soft female voices filtered to him and he realised he would have to let his mother and Alexis know he was coming out of The Zone. Let them know he would explain as soon as he was able. He wouldn't tell them everything, wouldn't reveal all that he had been feeling since it had happened or even before, but if they ever read the last in the Nikki Heat series then they would know. He had concealed nothing from the page.

He stretched, easing the aches in his joints and neck and back then startled at a pressure against his elbow and a clattering from the floor. He looked down to see Russian dolls spilled beside his chair. Bending, he gathered them then straightened again and held them in his hands. He would have to get rid of them. They reminded him of Nikki.

His gaze moved over to the bin but he paused then pulled open the nearest lower drawer and placed them inside. He didn't want to completely forget Nikki but he wanted her memory not to hurt. They could be his barometer. They could hide in there and when he chanced to see them they could tell him if he had moved on. He knew he was beginning to move on.

There was a soft footstep. He looked up to see her standing in the doorway. She looked so small. She looked so young. Her eyes held steady with his.

She must be here to apologize. Was she here to ask him back?

_No!_

He couldn't handle the friend zone. It was selfish. It was unfair. But he couldn't handle the friend zone.

"I love you, Richard Castle. I've loved you since before I even met Tom. I wish I could have told you. I wish I could have said."

He looked away.

* * *

><p>Her heart was disintegrating.<p>

She had prepared herself for many reactions but not for that.

The momentary annoyance that flashed across his face and in his eyes burned but she was prepared for that.

She knew he could reject her, had every right to reject her. She had broken the trust he had placed in her, betrayed the feelings she knew he felt for her.

If he had sworn at her, used her name as a curse, pounded his fists against his office desk it would have been easier to deal with, but to see that her lie had left him so… bereft…

She wasn't prepared for his indifference.

He had looked away and that was all. His head was against the top of his chair, his gaze was beyond the window, his lips were slightly parted and she could hear a sigh escape but that was all.

He didn't move, he didn't speak, he didn't react.

It was as if he was waiting for her to leave. He looked as if he could wait forever.

Her heart was imploding.

* * *

><p>His mind was exploding.<p>

He had thought she had come to apologise and perhaps ask him to come back, to rejoin their partnership if not a friendship but—

She—?

She loved him?

Before Josh?

Before Schlemming?

Why-?

He bluescreened.

He only rejoined the world when he heard her murmur "I'm sorry, I'll go" and heard her footsteps retreating to the office doorway.

He inhaled an urgent breath, corralled the rampaging contradictory thoughts swirling through his mind and set free the only sound he could, the sound that had etched itself into his being despite all his efforts to prevent it. "Kate-!"

He spun his chair, grabbed his desk as firmly as he could, intent on pushing himself to his feet so he could run after her when he saw she had stopped in the doorway. The expression on her face, the look in her eyes—

He didn't know what to say next.

His mind had exploded.

* * *

><p><em>He smashed the icing-covered jewellery and held it before her momentarily. He saw the look she was giving both it and him then he dropped his hand by his side. She blinked and breathed and a gentle smirk curled her lips. "Just so you know, I would have said yes."<em>

_He repeated his offer and she pondered a moment before replying. "Should I bring my swimsuit?" After all, she had no other plans this weekend._

_They were still in sync. Their rhythms still matched. All these months without his call and their shared thinking hadn't dissipated. She knew the smile on his face was matched by a brighter one on her own and she moved in and kissed him to seal the deal._

_She glanced at the ring he held before himself, then looked into his eyes, tilted her head and smiled. "Next time, buy your own ring. Don't borrow someone else's."_

_She reached into her sleeve and dragged out a bouquet of flowers, offered them to him. He stared at them a moment before smiling and taking them from her. His arms reached out and drew her into an embrace, his head lowering to gift her with a kiss._

* * *

><p>It wasn't indifference.<p>

She could see in his eyes that it wasn't indifference.

It was confusion, it was hope, it was despair, it was love, it was fear but it wasn't indifference.

She moved towards him urgently, her own hope reviving. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I shouldn't have lied, Rick. I love you. I don't want to lose you."

She watched the confusion in his eyes deepen and cursed herself for the pain her weakness had brought him. "I'll never forgive myself for everything I've done to you even if you never want to see me again."

She saw the shock that burst to the surface of his eyes, watched as he struggled to form words. She wanted to move around the desk towards him, to hug him to herself as if she would never let him go, to let him purge this pain onto her, but she didn't have the right. She wasn't sure if she would ever have the right.

"You… love… me…?" Each word was forced through a collapsed throat.

"I love you. More than I have ever loved anyone."

He relaxed into his chair, the tenseness that had coiled over his body loosening, never taking his eyes from hers.

She opened her mouth to speak and he weakly waved his hand, shook his head, whispered, "No…"

She swallowed her words, took a step back and he shook his head again. "Stay… just…"

She watched a frown drift across his face as his gaze turned inwards, then he took a heaving breath, growled abruptly deep within his throat and gave his head a sharp shake. His gaze cleared as he came back to himself.

"Sorry… you… just…" He stopped, his features firmed a little and she saw him consider his next words carefully. "You say you love me, Kate… but there's many kinds of love. I can't do the friend zone. I'm sorry, I—"

"I'm in love with you, Rick. I love you the way you said you loved me, the way I hope you can still learn to love me again."

* * *

><p>He stared at her a long moment, savouring the words.<p>

She loved him.

He told her he loved her, she said she didn't remember but she loved him.

She tore his heart open, left him crawling in his entrails for a week but she loved him.

She lied with her words twice, lied with her silence every day but she loved him.

She left him dangling for two years, kept his hopes and dreams and desires in abeyance for two years but she loved him.

Could he trust her?

She said she loved him. He believed her. But could he trust her?

He had been reclaiming his heart and now the traitor had been claimed back, but could he trust her?

He glanced away from her, sighing. "I don't know what to do, Kate."

Her plea was a whisper. "Forgive me."

He looked back at her, stared into her eyes and forced himself to be open, to let her know everything he would now say was true.

"I want to."

"I want you to."

"I want to go to you and embrace you and kiss you and never let you go."

"I want you to never let me go."

"I want to take you by the hand and lead you in there and make love with you."

"I want to make love with you."

"I want to forget everything between us before the moment you said you loved me."

"I want to make it never was."

"… I don't know if I can trust you."

He watched her crumble, watched her dig the knife deeper into herself and twist, watched all possibilities of hope fade from her eyes and watched the tears begin to flow.

* * *

><p>"<em>We made a deal and I expect you to honour it." He paused a moment then stood and walked from the precinct without another word. She came in the next morning and saw the cleaners had read her note and taken his chair back to storage. She waited in front of the lift until it chimed behind her and then slowly moved toward her desk. She hoped there was no new call today. She needed to lose herself in the paperwork.<em>

"_If it wasn't for you I would have never found my mom's killer." "If it wasn't for me you wouldn't have had to shoot him. I can't do that to you again. I'm sorry." She watched as he stood and walked toward the elevator. She wanted to speak but his shoulders were set against her. When the elevator doors closed behind him she turned to the array of food containers spread across her desk. Her appetite was gone._

_The precinct floor was crumbling beneath her feet as she watched him walk away, his arm around the redhead's waist and hers around his. Before her chance disappeared she weakly called after him, "See you in the fall?" He raised his hand in acknowledgement but didn't turn around. He didn't speak._

_Roy looked behind her and she felt a flicker of hope. "Castle's here, isn't he?" "I called Castle but he wouldn't come. Says you had made your choice. Make your choice, Kate. Live. Walk away. Walk through that door."_

_She looked up as he emerged from the bookstore. He glanced at her momentarily then turned away and kept walking. "Castle, wait..." He didn't respond and she stared at his retreating form until it was swallowed in the crowd._

* * *

><p>He forgave her. When he saw her crumbling he pushed himself from his chair and hurried around the desk to pull her into his embrace, his cheek nuzzling into her hair, trying to still her heaving sobs. They would have a lot to talk about later but now… he forgave her.<p>

"Shhh, Kate. Shhh. Don't cry. I forgive you. It's okay. I forgive you."

Her despairing, tear-stuttered voice was muzzled against his chest. "I'm sorry, Rick."

"I know. You didn't mean it."

"I did. I knew I would hurt you and I still did it anyway."

"Did you say to yourself 'I'm going to do this to hurt Richard Castle'?"

"Nuh-no."

"No. You said, 'I need to do this and it will hurt Richard Castle but I will do it anyway.'"

"I shouldn't have done it."

"You needed to do it. I was… collateral damage."

"I was selfish."

"You needed to protect yourself. I... I don't understand... I don't know why. But I know you needed to do it for you. Not to hurt me. And that's okay."

"It's not okay."

"It's okay with me." It _was_ okay with him. "And that's enough." It _was_ enough. "I forgive you." He _did_ forgive her.

"… I could tell you why but it's just rationalisations, excuses."

"Reasons aren't excuses."

He kept holding her and felt her trembling slowly ease. Then he held her some more.

"… I could tell you the story."

"I love stories."

"… Not now. I can't... Not now… Hold me. Hold me until I know this isn't a dream."

"It isn't a dream."

"… I'm sorry."

"I know."

"... I hope I can earn back your trust."

He loosened his embrace and she uncrumbled slightly, lifting her misty eyes to his. He lowered his mouth to the taste of the sweetest kiss he had ever known.

"I love you, Kate," he breathed.


	6. We're Trying For Together

**Author's Note: Thank you again to all who have chosen to read, comment and follow.**

**I hope I've been able to make this work and it doesn't disappoint too much.**

**I'll be returning to work soon so there may be a delay for the next chapter.**

**I've decided to raise the rating to T with this chapter.**

**_****(UPDATED: Spelling corrections and a few minor sentence alterations. Nothing significant.)****_**

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter 6: We're Trying For Together<strong>

Her head leant on his shoulder, her hand idly tracing patterns across the hairs on the skin of his exposed arm, their legs barely touching as they sat on the quilt laid out on the floor of his office, pillows behind them. His arm across her back and his hand on her shoulder brought a comfort that felt like home.

"I don't know how you could forgive me so easily," she murmured.

"Would you prefer I hadn't?"

She lifted her head abruptly and turned to look him in the eyes. "No." Her voice was too breathy, too urgent. The fear was still in her eyes and he deeply regretted his quip.

He straightened his face and let his true gaze reach out for her, hoping she could see. "Would we be here now if I hadn't?"

She relaxed and saw. "No," she breathed a quivering sigh.

"No." His lips curved into a gentle smile as his eyes softly crinkled. He watched as she forced a wavering smile before lowering her own eyes and relaxing her head against his shoulder once more.

"… I still need to earn back your trust…" The regret in her soul sliced his heart.

He let the silence breathe.

* * *

><p>"I've never been so forgiving." Her voice carried accusations against herself that he wished he could smooth away.<p>

"I remember you forgiving me." He remembered saying the words he had hoped would express all his remorse and sorrow and genuine understanding of the hurt his behaviour had caused her then he remembered walking away knowing she may think it too little and too late and when she said she would see him tomorrow he remembered the relief almost bringing him to his knees.

He felt her shake her head against his shoulder, refusing his attempt to let her know the pain never flowed in only one direction. "I sent you away for three months."

"That was important—"

She raised her head from his shoulder, spun to face him, hissing but not at him, "_This_ is important." She reached to grab his closest hand, fingers entwining with his. "Rick, don't dismiss what I did. Don't let me off the hook so easily."

He drew a deep breath, helplessness curdling his features.

"The pain I caused you is important, Rick. Don't… don't let me…"

He released his breath slowly, closing his eyes. He needed the world gone for a moment so the words he spoke were true. "You lied to me," he murmured, flatly.

"I lied to you every day for months." The self-disgust sliced his heart.

He breathed again and opened his eyes into hers. "You told me you loved me."

Her mouth parted and her eyes crinkled in confusion. She seemed afraid to understand his point.

"I know which is more important to me."

She cringed as if struck in the chest. After a moment his hand gently tugged her shoulder and she almost reluctantly settled back into him, her fingers still entwined with his.

Silence settled over them.

"… I don't deserve you. I could never be so forgiving."

* * *

><p>She settled back into the pillow, her head lowered but turned to look toward him, her legs stretched across his. "I wish I'd come sooner."<p>

He sighed and silence stretched. She raised her head to look at him, the still-present fear entwined in her eyes with the hope.

He felt her gaze upon him and lowered his head to meet it. "I wasn't ready."

A puzzled mewl escaped her throat.

"If you had come sooner, I would have sent you away. I wasn't ready."

She waited, sensing more would come if she allowed the silence between them to breathe.

"I was hardening my heart."

She breathed slowly, shallowly, steadily.

"I still loved you but I needed to move on. I needed to make myself move on."

Her breath hitched then continued, slowly, shallowly, steadily.

"I needed to dive into The Zone before I could hear you."

She didn't break his gaze, tried never to blink.

"I was lucky. I had Nikki to take the heat off my feelings."

She twisted her face in a pained involuntary smile. "Your puns," she breathed in affectionate dismay.

His own smile rose, his heart lifted momentarily, gladdened he could ease her self-imposed sentence for even an instant. Then her hopefear returned and his face returned to neutral.

"I spent three days in Nikki's mindset."

Slowly, shallowly, steadily.

"She had to have a reason for behaving as she did."

Her breathing stopped.

"I had to become a better man to try to understand her."

Continued. Slowly, shallowly, steadily.

His mouth rose in an involuntary smile, his eyes crinkled with amused warmth, his voice carried welcome amazement as he gazed directly into her. "That's what you do for me. Force me to become a better man."

She shook her head, swallowed, but her eyes glistened brightly.

* * *

><p>She lay on her side, head relaxed into a pillow, body stretched along the quilt, one arm laying towards him, the other curled against herself. He mirrored her. Their eyes connected, their fingers twinkled in gentle embrace.<p>

"It felt as if the universe was punishing me for my crimes."

"Your only 'crime' was to love me."

"I was following you around and you didn't want me there. There's a word for that."

"If I really didn't want you there, you would have been gone."

"Roy may have had something to say about that."

"He didn't say anything after you told me what you found and I sent you away."

"… That was different."

"I didn't tell him why."

"…"

"Roy told me he could have kicked you to the curb anytime he liked but you were good for me."

"He told you that? When?"

"... After I told you we were over."

"Ah..."

"Mm…"

"I was out of line. I had no right—"

"You were right."

"…"

"I _was_ hiding. In the job, in mom's case, in relationships with men I didn't love."

"…"

"I thought it would be easier."

"…"

"Easier than the pain of losing someone I cared about again."

"…"

"Didn't work out as I expected."

"Our plans rarely do."

"I was hoping you would tell me then. Tell me you loved me."

"I didn't get that vibe off you. More of a 'stay the hell out of my life, you ignorant, arrogant jackass.'"

"You were listing all the people who you said loved me and I asked 'What about you, Rick?'"

"… And I bailed."

"Yes."

"Gutless Wonder is my superhero name."

"…"

"Would it have made a difference?"

"I... don't know. I just wanted you to say it."

"…"

"Maybe it would have been different."

"And I'm supposed to notice things."

"You noticed me."

"I have lousy timing."

"We both have lousy timing."

* * *

><p>She bit her lip, eyes warily studying his fingers as they crept closer to her foot.<p>

"Castle…" She growled a warning.

His smile lit all of her existence as he turned to her. "Ah, there it is!"

She frowned, shook her head. "What?"

"You haven't called me 'Castle' since you got here."

Her chest hollowed as her breath escaped. Her tone hesitated. "I… I thought this was time to talk to 'Rick'."

"I've missed it."

Her chest refilled. Gentle smile for him. Gentle eyes on him.

"Nobody else calls me just 'Castle'. It's like your special name for me. Well, you and Ryan and Esposito and LT and Karpowski—"

She giggled, knowing he would go through the names of everyone at the 12th except for Gates if she didn't stop him. "It's your mascot name."

He frowned as if offended, but his eyes were smiling. "Hmmph!"

She grinned in triumph as he turned from her but then the wariness returned as his fingers resumed their creeping toward her foot.

"Castle…" She growled another warning. "I have really good reflexes."

"Uh-huh," he murmured in agreement.

"I kick-box and your head is really close to my foot." She tensed in preparation.

"Assault on a civilian, detective? That won't look good to the review board."

She sensed the strike a moment before his fingers pounced but she was too late to escape. She curled on herself, leg struggling, a bark of crystal laughter sliding into giggling. His entire presence soared at the sound.

* * *

><p>Their lips and tongues and eyes and fingers talked silently for a while but neither was yet prepared to move beneath the material separating them.<p>

* * *

><p>Their stretched legs entwined as they sat facing each other, neither willing to let their feet close to the other's hands.<p>

"I was going to accept your offer." Her voice startled him from the silence. Her tone suggested she was trying to conceal the importance of her words.

He frowned. "What offer?"

"To go to the Hamptons."

He stopped breathing and urged all the muscles in his face to still while he steeled his eyes not to react.

"At the little going away do Espo threw for you. I asked you out into the hall, remember?"

Neutral. He had to go for neutral. "I remember."

"I was telling you I'd had a really good time working with you."

He wanted to tell her he had a wonderful time working with her but he had to be silent.

"I was going to ask if the Hamptons offer was still open."

She had been staring at her finger slowly twirling across the quilt but now raised her gaze to him. Her eyes were glistening, she gave him a wavering smile, her voice gained a seductive edge. "I was going to ask if I should bring the blue swimsuit or the pink."

"Neither would have been fine" popped out and as she smiled and turned pink he relaxed. His turn had come, but—

"You were with Schlemming."

Her eyes rolled and she sighed through her smile. "Demming, Castle." There was affection in the forced edge of her exasperation. "Tom Demming."

"That's what I said," he nodded in agreement. "Tom Schlemming."

She giggled and let it go. "I broke up with him."

"When? Just earlier you were…" he trailed off. He didn't want to scare her into withdrawing.

"Just after you left to take Alexis to Princeton."

He sighed and closed his eyes and remembered.

"And before you could say anything Gina turned up."

She nodded, realised he wasn't looking at her and spoke. "Yes."

Silence settled between them.

"I have lousy timing." "I have lousy timing."

He opened his eyes to see her staring breathlessly, joy and relief blooming across her face. His smile matched her own.

"We still got it…"

"I was so scared…"

They each bathed in the joy of the other until she saw his face begin to fall.

"I should never have got back with Gina."

Horrified, she untangled their legs and scooted toward him. "No, Rick, no."

She grabbed his hands urgently. "No, it was my mistake. I had been pushing you away and I was too late realising what I was losing."

The set of his jaw cut through her. "Rick, I didn't tell you that so you could beat yourself up. I…"

Why had she told him? "I wanted you to know how long I've been wrong. That this is all my fault."

She shouldn't have told him. "I shouldn't have told you."

He summoned a regretful smile for her and whispered, "I don't mind knowing."

She sat back a little but refused to release his hands. She didn't believe him.

"Proves I wasn't completely deluding myself."

"I should have told you sooner."

"You owe me for all the cold showers, though."

She flicked her eyes toward his face thinking of all the ways she could repay him but he was looking at her hands on his.

"I had so many one week I thought you were going to ask me why I looked like a prune."

She pulled back her hands and entwined them against her lap.

"I had to buy an ice machine for the extra impact."

"No more might-have-beens, Rick. I promise."

* * *

><p>Martha turned at the sound of the office door and watched her son emerge from his hideaway, closing the door gently behind himself. The fatigue wafted from his frame as he started toward the counter. When his head raised and he caught her stare, he hesitated and gazed into her eyes. She wasn't certain what she was seeing in his.<p>

After a moment, he moved forward again in her direction. Determination was grimacing his mouth and a dangerous sparkle was rising in his eyes. When he stopped before her, she frowned and eyed him warily then started to turn away.

"Richard, I just have to—"

A gentle touch on her arm halted her.

"Uh-uh, Mother, you are going to stand there and accept what is coming to you." His tone brooked no argument. "Now, I don't do this often, but—"

Before she could protest, his arms drew her into a warm embrace. Startled, her body stiffened, her arms splaying but when he whispered against her ear she relaxed. "Thank you." She closed her eyes and smiled a sigh of relief. "Thank you for letting her in."

"Oh, darling," she murmured.

She had no more words, simply settled into the hug from her son. When he released her, she stepped back and watched him stretch his aches and rub his drawn eyes.

She glanced at the office door then back at her son. "How is she?" she gently enquired.

He paused then sighed and she heard the hope for truth in his voice. "She'll be okay. She's just…" Another sigh. "It's been a trying time."

"It's been a trying time for both of you, darling."

He nodded acceptance.

"How are you?"

"Better."

Martha smiled gently at that. "And the two of you?"

"We're… "He searched for the right term. "… hopeful."

"Hopeful… for?"

"We're trying for together."

His mother returned his peaceful smile.

"We're both a little drained. Need sustenance." He moved toward the fridge and opened it.

"You're tired. Sit down. I'll make you both something."

His movement stilled a moment then resumed. Carefully. "No, thank you, Mother. I've got it."

Martha snorted. "Really, I'm hardly likely to poison you with leftovers now, am I?"

He withdrew his head from the fridge and looked at her. "I appreciate the offer, Mother, but… I need to keep moving. Otherwise I'll… collapse. Be dead to the world. Like the shark in _Jaws_. The book. Not the movie. Only that was permanently dead, not… temporarily dead… sleeping…"

Martha shook her head in affectionate exasperation as his rambling faded away and he disappeared inside the fridge again only to emerge a moment later staring in concentration at two containers in his hands, trying vainly to decide between each before choosing both and placing them on the counter. She was pleased his 'Zone' was clearly sloughing from him.

She was about to leave him to his preparations but then realised she really should tell him now before the moment was lost.

"Richard?" She was almost hesitant.

"Yes, Mother?" He didn't catch her tone, distracted by the task in front of him.

"I may not always show it in the way you would like but – especially right now - I am very proud of you."

He stopped and raised his head to look at her, almost startled, before the warmest smile she had received from him since moving into the loft creased his face.

"I love you, too, Mother."

She nodded and their blue gaze held a moment longer before she hmmphed pleasantly and turned to walk away, her words trailing behind her. "Now I'm glad to see you're coming out of your 'Zone'. You get far too sentimental and it seems to be catching."

He smiled at her retreating back.

* * *

><p>He suddenly remembered someone important was missing.<p>

"Where's Alexis?"

He watched Martha hesitate slightly before turning to move back to him. "She's... in her room."

His concern began to rise as he noted Martha was choosing her words carefully.

"She wasn't entirely happy with Katherine's presence—"

"She didn't say anything, did she?" His breath caught in his throat.

"Oh, good heavens, no!" Martha dismissed the idea with a wave that indicated it was beneath consideration. "You've raised your daughter to be a much better person than that."

He relaxed into breathing again.

Martha continued. "But when she heard... Katherine… " Paused. "I think she's feeling a little guilty."

He was already moving. "I'll go to her."

"I can talk with her, let her know you're okay," Martha offered.

He shook his head. "No, I need to do it. Kate... I think we both need a few minutes apart."

He was walking past Martha in the direction of the stairs but halted at her gentle touch on his arm. "Richard, why don't you finish making your meal? Take Katherine's to her. Then go talk to Alexis. She'll be fine for a few more minutes and it will give you a chance to think about what you will say."

He was reluctant but accepted the wisdom of her words with a nod and returned to the counter, quickening his preparations.

* * *

><p>He was on his haunches beside her, passing the plate. She smiled her gratitude as she took it.<p>

"I don't recognize it so it must be less than three days old."

She glanced in his eyes, her smile deepening, then puzzlement claimed her features as she realised he had brought only one plate.

"Where's yours?"

"I'll eat soon. I need to talk to Alexis for a few minutes."

She inhaled a horrified breath and placed the plate beside her before she dropped it.

"She doesn't want me here—"

He swallowed. He wanted to hug this out of Kate but he needed to see Alexis. He had been neglecting her feelings too long while he had been wallowing in his own. "She… _is_ upset. But I'll talk to her."

She dropped her chin against herself and clenched her fingers. "I can't do anything except hurt the people I care about."

His heart blossomed at her admission of caring. "Yep," he brightly agreed, "you came here today with the full intention of hurting Alexis Castle. You're a cruel woman, Katherine Beckett."

She blindly reached for his hand and he moved to allow her to clutch it briefly. She brought her gaze to his and curled her mouth to show her appreciation of his efforts. "Go. Your daughter needs you."

He hesitated then nodded and rose to hurry from the room.

When he was gone she lay against the pillow, arms across her chest as if she were holding her heart inside, breath hitching, cleansing her soul with tears. She felt the world would end before her soul was ever close to being clean.

* * *

><p>She was on her side on her bed staring into the middle distance. Or maybe the phablet angled against the bedside table lamp. His heart grimaced as he saw the tension within her. He knocked on the open door.<p>

"Hey, pumpkin." He forced his voice to light and warmth.

She startled, rolling back and sitting up, her face brightening to almost cover her concern. "Dad!"

Guilt threatened to consume him but his voice remained light and warmth. "I'm on the hunt for pillows. Can I borrow some? You've got—" He couldn't count them all with her in the way. "—that many."

She pouted her puzzlement. "Pillows?"

He moved with an ease he didn't possess to her bed. "Kate and I are building a pillow fort in my office. Makes us more comfortable while we talk." His voice was light and warmth as he gently sat down and pretended he wasn't studying his daughter's feelings.

She swallowed and he almost succeeded in pretending he didn't see the glistening in her eyes. "Is she okay?"

He was so proud she failed to conceal her concern. "She'll be okay."

She nodded and looked deep into his blue. "How are you?"

He smiled to show her his truth. "Better. But I could do with a hug."

Alexis brightened and they moved forward into an embrace that had been waiting too long. It almost eased his guilt. "I'm sorry, Alexis. I shouldn't have been putting you through—"

She broke the hug abruptly, pulling back and the strength she had been using to conceal failed and "It's not you, Dad. It's what she's put you thr—" escaped before she rallied and clamped it down once more.

Neither spoke for a moment and she couldn't look into his eyes. He saw the guilt shivering through her frame while his own clamped his heart. He should have had a Plan B. He reached for her and she didn't resist being drawn back into an embrace. After a moment he realised he already had a Plan B.

"Tomorrow night, you and me. We're going out. Anywhere you like."

She made a muffled suggestion against his neck.

"Anywhere I can legally take you."

She made another muffled suggestion.

"It's a deal, pumpkin."

They held their embrace until eventually she moved to pull back and he released her. Silence settled around them.

"Are you two okay?"

"… We're talking."

"Are you together?"

"… We're trying for together."

"I'm sorry I'm angry with her."

"I'm sorry I can't just take it away."

"Last week you would have told me I needed to get over it for my sake."

"I'm still in The Zone. Ask me on Friday."

"… She was so sad. I never thought she'd be so sad."

"She'll be okay."

She moved herself backward to lean against her pillows. They shared their blue for a moment.

"So has anything interesting happened in your life while I've been in The Zone? Or even a few days before?"

A horrified thought struck him. "There's not a new boy, is there?"

* * *

><p>When he eventually returned to his office she was lying on her side, head falling between two pillows, eyes closed, curled upon herself, breathing shallow and steady. He hoped he wasn't imagining the serenity on her face.<p>

He put his plate on his desk then bent to kneel beside her. She softly murmured and began to stretch and her eyes slowly opened to look at him.

"Hey."

He smiled gently at her. He loved the way she returned to wakefulness.

"Hey."

"How long have I been asleep?"

"No more than twenty minutes."

She moved herself to a sitting position, needing to look deeply into him.

"How is she?"

He hesitated, the guilt settling in for permanent residency.

"She'll be okay."

She could hear the guilt but had no words.

"I shouldn't have put her through this."

"No—" Horrified.

"Whatever happened between you and me I shouldn't have let her see."

"No, Rick—" She was moving, twisting to her knees before him, reaching.

"I've let her down. It's not her burden and it's my responsibility to make it not her burden and I've failed her."

She touched him and he did not resist being pulled into her embrace.

"This is my fault, Rick."

"No—"

"I did this to you and I did this to her. I was selfish—"

"Kate—"

"I should go. You can tell her I've gone and I'll never be able to hurt either of you again. I'm sorry."

He could feel her move beneath his arms and he drew her tighter to himself.

"Kate, stay. You can't take the blame for this. This one's on me."

She stopped struggling but the tenseness within her proved she didn't agree.

"I should have been a better father."

He heard her growl deep within her throat and this time he wasn't strong enough to prevent her pushing away from him, breaking their embrace. She looked fiercely at him and the fire in her eyes stoked the fire of his love.

"Don't you _ever_ say that again, Rick! You are an amazing father. Alexis is a strong and intelligent and passionate and caring and amazing woman and you raised her that way. You helped her become that way. The person you were relying on to help you raise her let you both down but you were there for her every step of the way. So don't you ever again say you should have been a better father. You are the best father anybody could ever hope to have because you love her and you have always done the best you could for her. Always."

She stopped, her entire body trembling but she held his gaze without flinching. He almost couldn't breathe, could only stare in wonderment at the... at the… at all of her.

She continued, her voice breathily raw. "Your love for Alexis is how you reached my heart, Rick."

He swallowed. It was too much and he scrambled for safety.

"What?" His voice was too watery. "Not because I'm the most ruggedly handsome and amazingly charming mystery writer in New York City?"

She softened a little, the fire in her eyes morphing. "That's how you reached other parts of me, Rick."

The connection between their eyes lasted several lifetimes.

* * *

><p>Alexis leant over the stair rail, staring down, her eyes darting, breathing through her mouth. She heard a shuffling step behind her and turned to see a poised Martha waiting. The older woman opened her arms slightly and Alexis melted into her embrace.<p>

* * *

><p>The soft music encompassed their universe. One hand linked, the other hand resting on a back or a waist, their bodies gently swaying.<p>

"She wanted you to take her _there_?"

"I know. I couldn't believe she asked that."

"How does she even know about there?"

"Maybe the cool kids told her."

"You hope the cool kids told her."

"You're supposed to be making me less anxious, Beckett."

"I told you, Castle, all girls have a wild child phase."

"… I'm putting a cage across her door tonight. We'll shove food through the bars and take her out for a walk on the weekends."

"Still Little-Miss-By-The-Book here."

The soft music encompassed their universe. One hand linked, the other hand resting on a back or a waist, their bodies gently swaying.


	7. We Need To Talk

**Author's Notes: As always, thank you for choosing to read, comment and follow. It is incredibly amazing and humbling to see so many choosing to follow. I hope this isn't the chapter that lets you down.**

**I've had to deal with a plotline that existed in the series and I hope I managed to make it work and that it isn't too painful. As ever, this is the best I can do.**

**My thanks to the creators of **_**Castle**_**. Always.**

**(This chapter has been the hardest to write. The next chapter will be even harder so there may be an extended delay which I apologise for in advance.)**

**_****(UPDATED: Spelling corrections and a few minor sentence alterations. Slightly modified first three lines of the very experimental sequence hoping to clarify the POV.)****_**

**_****(COMMENT 23rd Dec, 2014: Apologies, but I am still working on Chapter 8. I've written nearly 10,000 words but I lost the voice and am trying to salvage as much as I can. At this point, I can't make any promises about when it will arrive nor how good it will be when it gets here. Damn muses!)****_**

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter 7: We Need To Talk<strong>

Alexis hesitated on the bottom stair as she saw them near the counter, engaged in a dance to make coffee, movements almost graceful, bodies in synchronization, no words but understood glances passing between them.

She inhaled a slow deep breath, placed the bag in her hand quietly on the floor and moved to them, ensuring her shoes echoed. They turned in unison at her approach. Alexis noticed that he raised a bright smile and she raised a wary one.

She gave her father a deep warm smile then turned with as little hesitation as she could muster to look into the eyes of the woman beside him. "Hi, Kate…"

The woman's eyes flickered a little and her voice was slightly raw as she responded, "Hello, Alexis…"

"… Everything okay?" Alexis could hear the slight rawness in her own voice.

The woman pressed her lips together, nodded and murmured "Hmm-mmm."

"I'm glad." Alexis noticed the rising emotions held in check and felt her own responding. She turned to her father to escape.

He smiled at his daughter, his hand moving to brush lightly against that of the woman beside him. "We're getting there."

He flicked his chin toward the stairs. "What's with the bag?"

"Oh," Alexis began, airily. "Miranda called. She and Chuck have broken up - " eye-roll " – again and she's wanting a little girlfriend time. Is it okay if I stay over at her place tonight?"

After a pause, her father nodded. "Sure thing, sweetheart."

"Thanks, Dad." As Alexis turned away, she noticed her father taking Kate's hand and gently squeezing. She couldn't look at Kate. She had been so sad.

* * *

><p><em>"I remember the pain… I remember being on my back on the ground but I don't remember getting there… I don't literally remember every second of it… I remember you leaning over me… I remember… the look on your face… I remember you telling me to stay… I remember you telling me you loved me… then… it was a mess of… images and noise… I know I held onto your words… 'I love you, Kate.' 'I love you, Kate.' 'I love you, Kate.' … They were… They were my mantra… They were the only reason I didn't want to let go and just die…"<em>

* * *

><p><em>"I watched…"<em>

_"You were…"_

_"The…"_

_"…"_

_"It's in the book, Kate…"_

_"I can't…"_

_"…"_

_"I can't…"_

* * *

><p><em>"When I woke up in the hospital bed with… someone… near me—"<em>

_"Josh…?"_

_"Josh…"_

_"I was disappointed it wasn't you…"_

* * *

><p>"Oh, Richard," his mother said as she walked down the stairs, purse in hand, dressed past the nines. "I'm just going out. I have a date with a marvellous man I met at… what's-her-names opening night. Don't wait up for me, darling. Don't worry, I won't..."<p>

Martha swept out the door with a parting "Misbehave."

* * *

><p><em>"Josh was furious with you… He didn't say anything directly… It was his tone… Just a couple of words, but… his tone… I knew we were over… We should have been over sooner…"<em>

_"No more might-have-beens, Kate."_

* * *

><p><em>"The shooting was so huge. I needed all my energy and my focus and my strength to deal with everything it had done to me, to my body, my mind. I had nothing left for anything else, even… I ran to my Dad's cabin and I stayed there and I put my head beneath the pillows and I blocked the world out and I hid and I healed until I was ready to leave."<em>

* * *

><p><em>"I wanted to be there for you."<em>

_"I wanted to cook your meals and run your bath and fluff your pillows and tuck you in and read to you and hold you gently and hum you to sleep and make little multi-flavoured ice cream snowmen for you—"_

_"I did all that for Alexis when she was four."_

_"I was so angry when I thought Josh was doing that for you."_

_"I was there every day at the precinct trying to find some clue to lead us to the bastards who did this to you until Gates kicked me out. And you never called."_

_"I almost froze to death with you and I was almost blown up with you and even though we were over I came for you when Roy asked me to and I tried to save you and I loved you and you let me be your partner. And you never called."_

_"You said you'd call and you never called."_

_"I thought I deserved better than that."_

_"You did."_

_"I could still buy you a pony."_

* * *

><p>She caught the pear he tossed in her direction and watched as he reached into the cookie jar, a frown creasing his forehead.<p>

"I think the women in my life are conspiring."

She hummed and polished the pear against her top, allowing the awareness of their solitude to warm her voice.

"They're conspiring for you, Rick. They're both amazing."

She bit into the pear, never taking her warming eyes from him.

"I've chosen to only have amazing women in my life."

She tossed the pear back to him, smiling warmly as he caught it.

"That's because you're an amazing man."

She failed to conceal her chilling disappointment as he moved to bite into the cookie.

From the corner of his eye he saw her cooling face, smiled slightly in soft triumph. He dropped the cookie, bit into the pear, stopped pretending he wasn't seeing the rising heat.

* * *

><p><em>"I needed to see you. I needed you. I needed us. I had healed so much at the cabin but I still needed to heal more. You're my solid ground and I needed to be back on solid ground so I could heal more."<em>

* * *

><p>"<em>I told you as best I could at the swings. I still wasn't strong enough to just tell you but I hoped I could let you know anyway. I was hoping you would understand. I hoped you knew me enough to understand."<em>

"_I thought I had understood – that's what kept me going – but when I heard you in the interview room I thought I had only been understanding what I wanted to understand."_

"_For what it's worth, Rick, I was always intending to tell you. I had big plans for telling you."_

* * *

><p><em>"When I brought down that damn wall I was going to tell you and I was going to tell you in the most special way possible I was going to make it magic I was going to let you know I loved you I was going to let you know I wanted you I wanted to be with you always and in all ways I was going to tell you everything and I was going to do everything I could to get you to forgive me."<em>

* * *

><p>Her mouth and tongue and eyes and fingers and body talked silently to him, pleading for a forgiveness he had already given. He listened and talked back. They were both pushing to break the material barrier.<p>

* * *

><p>They leaned against the pillows, curled into each other, gazes gently wandering, breathing in rhythm, enjoying the silence.<p>

He was nearing paradise and he knew it couldn't last. He gazed away so she could not see the cloud rising in his eyes. "What time do you have to leave?"

She startled and uncurled from him as if slapped across the face. Her eyes reflected the pain of a thousand cuts. When she spoke, her voice was raw with the fear of impending loss.

"Leave?"

His heart clenched at her tone and he cursed himself as understanding rose.

"Do you want me to l-leave, Rick?"

His arm moved to prevent her uncurling further. "No, Kate, no…" She almost flinched. "It's just… You need to get enough sleep for work tomorrow. I was just wondering… how long we had."

She prevented relief collapsing her but the hopefear remained. He kept his eyes clear and waited, his hand on her arm attempting to soothe. She almost couldn't speak.

"I've taken a couple of days leave."

He forced his eyes to suspicion and forced his glare upon her. "Where is Katherine Beckett and what have you done with her?"

She forced her lips to curl. "That's an old one, Rick."

He forced himself to calm. "Time-tested."

She forced herself to breathe. Her tone was smaller but the rawness had grown.

"If you refused to see me, I needed to be alone so I could cry my heart away."

His breath and the hand on her arm faltered, then she allowed herself to be engulfed by him.

"… Do you want me to leave, Rick?"

"Never."

* * *

><p>They talked some more.<p>

There was a lot to say.

* * *

><p>"Hi, Lanie."<p>

"… Good, Lanie."

"Yeah, I am, Lanie."

"You okay?"

"Good."

"I-"

"I'm taking a couple of days off."

"I'm fine."

"I didn't tell them."

"I-"

"They didn't need to know."

"I'm fine."

"Can-"

"I'm fine, Lanie. Really."

"Can I ask a favour of you?"

"If you can't—"

"Thanks, Lanie."

"In the morning, can you go to my apartment and get a change of clothes for me?"

"I just need—"

"No, I—"

"No!"

"I'm—"

"I'll tell—"

"… Yes."

"Lanie…"

"Lanie!"

"We're just talking."

"We're just talking."

"Lanie…"

"It's—"

"Okay, I won't."

"Morning's fine."

"No!"

"I'll borrow something from Castle. I have before."

"When my apartment blew up."

"I just need something light."

"Lanie!"

"I'll hang up, Lanie."

"Sorry."

"Thank you."

"I mean—"

"I really appreciate this, Lanie."

"You _are_ my best friend."

"I'll tell you what I can."

"Lanie, this is really important to me. I don't—"

"I'll tell you what I can."

"Thanks, Lanie."

"Just something light."

"That's perfect."

"Yes, extra…"

"Lanie!"

"You—"

"Lanie, sometimes I don't know why you _are_ my best friend."

"That's true."

"You _are_ too good to me."

"Best meal I can afford."

"We'll work it out."

"I'll call the Super. Get him to let you in."

"Morning's fine."

"Thanks."

"Oh, and Lanie…"

"Can you pick up something else?"

"But just…"

"Hide it."

"Very special."

"… I hope so."

* * *

><p>When she returned to the office he was sitting at his desk, laptop open, staring pensively at whatever he had brought to the screen. He glanced at her and she thought it was guilt on his face and in his eyes.<p>

"Looking at porn there, Castle?" She kept her voice warm and suggestive. "You telling me I ain't good enough?" If it _was_ porn, she thought wryly, she was going to kill him.

He winced and she could see he wished it was porn. "Never that, Beckett."

"So what is it?" He didn't answer. "Rick?" Still silence.

When she began moving around the desk, he finally responded. "_Frozen Heat_."

She stopped and studied him. He was feeling guilty for everything he had put into words. Could it really be that bad?

"You were writing for three days…?"

He nodded, didn't speak.

"… You've finished?"

"Yeah." He looked away from the screen but not at her.

"You don't seem so sure."

"I was going to send it to Gina but now with..." He waved his hand between them. "… I don't know if I should put it out there in the world."

She wasn't expecting this. He had written almost an entire book in three days and was prepared to throw it away just to spare her feelings. She had to force herself to breathe. "Is it good?"

"I think so."

"Then send it to Gina."

She saw he was still hesitant. He shrugged, mumbled "Later" and moved to close the lap top.

She sat on the edge of the desk, reached and stopped his hand. Gently. "Rick…?"

He looked at her, forcing a smile neither of them found convincing. "If I send it now she'll know I can do... that many chapters in less than a week. She'll never get off my back."

She looked directly into his eyes, kept her voice soft and attempted to use her Jedi mind trick for good this time. "You should send it."

Silence settled and when he felt it had become too much he reached over and within moments had sent the manuscript through the ether to Gina. He sat back, sighing. "These weren't the droids I was looking for."

She smiled warmly then her mood became sombre, hesitant. "… Can... Can I read it?"

"Some of it is harsh."

"I don't care. I want to know."

"Kate..."

"I should know the price I made you pay."

He sighed and spun his chair to face her directly. "Kate…?"

"Yes…?"

"Forgive yourself."

She blinked, swallowed to soothe her suddenly aching throat but she never took her gaze from him. "I will if you let me read it."

He lost the staring competition.

"I'll give you the first ten chapters. There's some harsh stuff in there but it gets worse... if you can't handle—"

She shook her head. "I'll handle it. I should know."

"It has a happy ending."

"I want our happy ending."

"So do I."

He reached out for her hand and grimaced at a twinge in his shoulder.

She winced in sympathy but saw an opportunity. "Do you need a massage?" She bit her lip waiting for his response.

His eyes shone and he swallowed in anticipation. "That would be wonderful."

She grabbed his other hand to drag him to his feet, watching his heated gaze match her own. "I can give you a happy ending."

He only remembered the concept of breathing when the phone rang.

* * *

><p>They both looked at their phones on the desk but each was silent.<p>

She turned to him in puzzlement. "Rick, do you have another phone?"

His mouth hung open in confusion or shock and he looked at her in fear and pain. He seemed about to collapse as if he had been hit in the back of the knees and the back of the head at the same time.

The joy and relief she had begun to feel faded as dread rose to dominance. She watched as he shambled to a nearby drawer and withdrew a phone she had never seen before.

He opened the connection, raised the phone to his ear, looked at her as if his soul had been condemned. She almost wanted to run.

"Hello…"

"Mr Castle. I understand you are no longer consulting with Detective Beckett at the 12th Precinct."

* * *

><p>"Rick…?"<p>

* * *

><p>"Rick!"<p>

* * *

><p><em>Before Montgomery went into that hanger, he sent a package to someone. Someone he trusted. It contained information damaging to the person behind all this. Montgomery was trying to protect you.<em>

_But the package didn't arrive until after you had been shot. Montgomery's friend struck a deal with them. If they left you alone, that package and the information inside would never see the light of day. But they made one condition. You had to back off. And that's the reason you're alive, Kate. Because you stopped._

_In order for the deal to work, someone had to make sure you weren't pursuing it._

* * *

><p>He thought he had known what it was like to cause her pain. He had no idea until now.<p>

Betrayal, anger, confusion, the remnants of a shattering love warred on her face. As he had spoken she seemed to shrink upon herself until she was once again that small young woman who had walked through the door of his office—was it only that morning?

She leant her palms flat against the top of the desk, looking as if she had been hit in the back of the knees and the back of the head at the same time. He moved toward her but she saw the movement from the corner of her eye and gave a sharp shake of her head.

He opened his mouth to say something but there was nothing he could say. Sorry was inadequate.

She raised her head to look at him and he wished he could rip his eyes out. Unable to bear the burden of her gaze upon his shame he turned away, shambled toward the door.

"Castle…" she managed to force free and he felt it as a knife in his back, kept moving.

"Rick, don't…"

He stopped, turned and managed to find the strength to return her gaze without flinching. She was simply staring at him and he was unable to read her. After a moment, she turned her face back to the desk, closed her eyes and forced her breath to calm.

"Rick…"

"Just… give me some time, Rick… please…"

"It's a shock…"

"Please…"

He nodded but knew. A few minutes, a few years. He could never take back the real crime he had committed.

He walked out of his office, walking away from her yet again.

* * *

><p>She sank into his chair once he had gone. It smelt of him. She wanted to cry but nothing would escape. She was starting to feel numb.<p>

All the men who were really important to her had betrayed her.

Dad, Royce, Roy, Rick.

These weren't the ultimately minor transgressions of a Josh or a Will or an Adam or a Greg. These were the betrayals that burnt through her soul and left ashes behind. Each time there was less of her for the next one. She had finally thought there was never going to be a next one.

Dad, Royce, Roy, Rick.

He was supposed to be there for her every step of the way and he wasn't. At the time of her life when she had needed him to be strong he was weak and he had been dragging her down with him until she refused to go any further and she carried him kicking and screaming back to the light. Eight years and every day he was doing the best he could and she still loved him, he was still the first important man in her life but she could still remember the worst and some nights she could still feel the scars.

Dad, Royce, Roy, Rick.

He was there for her every day. He showed her the way. He helped make her the woman she was when she was on the job and the woman she was when away from the job. He understood her as no-one had done before and he supported her and he didn't try to change her and when she began slipping down the rabbit hole he was the one who grabbed her arm and pulled her back and when she spent one drunken night throwing up in his toilet and pleading for it all to just stop, to go away he was the one who carried her limp spirit to the woman who spent a year teaching her how to walk away. And he threw her away for a pot of gold.

Dad, Royce, Roy, Rick.

He was there for her from the beginning as she searched and hunted and tracked. He guided her where she needed to go and he supported her and he had her back. He gave her a long lead and he fought for her against those who wanted to tie her down, to reduce her. He showed by deed not word that he was everything that she was striving to be. He brought her what she had thought was the most amazing gift anyone could ever have given her and he died trying to protect her from the men who were only after her because he had lit the blue touch paper so long ago. He lied to her every day he had ever known her and every time she looked in his face. He knew who she was tracking and hunting and searching for and he never gave her a single damn clue.

Dad, Royce, Roy, Rick.

He had been her constant thorn and irritant since the day she met him. He annoyed her and infuriated her and challenged her and supported her and hurt her and tracked with her and hunted with her and searched with her. He told her stories and he made her laugh and he made her live and he made her love. He risked his life for her and he stepped aside for her and he came back for her and he nourished her and he cherished her and he made her life extraordinary and he had been doing it all for just the promise of a smile. He loved her and every single day he had been—

She looked at her picture on his murderboard then she looked at the notes about Smith – and she understood.

* * *

><p>She emerged from his office after an hour to see him sitting on his couch, feet flat on the floor, staring through the wall on the far side of the room. He was lifeless. He was hollow. Her heart clenched at the sight.<p>

Her soft eyes studied him while her heart took notes. He was so much more than ruggedly handsome. There was a sense of innocence about him, visible even in this hollow state. If he wasn't so innocent, she doubted he would feel so hollow. There was an enormous strength within him and she could still see it despite his current pain. There was softness and that shone through most when she saw him with Alexis. There was joy at the most childish of things and she thinks she likes that most of all. His love for children had always been obvious – he was mostly their peer. There was the curiosity which kept him asking for the real story long after most others, including herself, would have given up. There was the tenacity that kept him coming back day after day and chipping away at the wall around her heart piece by piece until, with just a little push, it was able to crumble to dust. There was the compassion he learnt how to express again, the loyalty that sometimes led him astray but he couldn't be faulted for that. The generosity to those he considered friends and those he saw were in true need. There was… there was everything. Just everything about him. Of course, he has the shadow side – we all do – but whereas hers was a glacier, grinding inexorably on, his was a thunderstorm – light and noise and then gone. She preferred his shadow to hers.

She saw all of him and she loved him and she knew nothing had happened to change that.

* * *

><p>He saw her watching him and she wished he would call it creepy. She almost laughed at the puzzlement frowning his features as he turned to her but she knew he wouldn't understand. The peace she was exuding was such a contrast to her distress an hour earlier that he clearly couldn't see how such a journey could be made.<p>

She saw him open his mouth to speak but she got there first. "Are you okay, Rick?"

The question stunned him. "Am _I_ okay?"

"Uh-huh," she nodded and if he couldn't see the love she had for him in that moment then she would have to teach him to read her in braille. No downside to that. "Are you okay?"

He couldn't answer and she realised she would have to move this along.

She glided across the floor and silently waved her hands to give directions for how she wanted him to pose then she slid onto his lap, curling one arm around his shoulder and neck. At her look, he curved his arm around her back. She grabbed his hand to rest it on her thigh and though their skin was separated by a material barrier she tingled.

His face was a mosaic of confusion and she smiled at the knowledge she could still surprise him even after these last few years together. He opened his mouth but she placed a finger to his lips.

"I've got something I want to say, Rick. Will you listen?"

He paused then nodded and she was both relieved and nervous. She knew these first words would sting but she knew she had to start with them. She hoped the rest of her words would make up for them.

"For nine months you have been lying to me about… one of the most important things in my life…"

She could see she had been right. They did sting. A lot.

"Thank you."

He startled and almost tumbled her from his lap. "What?"

She touched his cheek and made sure their eyes connected. "You saved my life, Rick. For the last nine months, every day while I was lying to you, keeping us from being together, you were there by my side saving my life. That's a debt I can never hope to repay."

She could see the rejection that was rising from within the confusion and she needed to stop it blooming.

"I am here today because you saved my life by stopping me investigating my mother's murder for the last nine months. I'd be dead without you."

"Six."

"What?"

His voice was roughened and she could still hear the rejection of her words. "Six months. I've only known for six months."

"Six. Nine. We can talk about it later."

She directed a heating smile at him and she wasn't sure whether it was her love eyeballs or the thought of later but it was as if the hollowness had filled.

Then the relief was overtaken by self-disgust.

"I walked away, Kate. I seemed to be the only one who had any chance of stopping you investigating your mother's case and I walked away. I didn't even tell you. Give you a warning. I hadn't even thought about it since the day I left. It's like I preferred having you dead than having you not love me."

She was not expecting this. How can he get so many things right about her yet so many wrong about himself? "If you believe that about yourself, Richard Castle, then you're stupider than Perlmutter thinks."

It was like a slap to his face. "—Perlmutter thinks I'm stupid?"

"Perlmutter thinks everybody's stupid except Perlmutter."

She had almost reached him, saw a smile beginning to curl his lips and light his eyes, but then he set his jaw, turned away and refused to be mollified. "I don't know how you can stand to look at me, Kate. You hurt my feelings and I've put your life in danger."

"I'm here, Rick, still alive, with the man I love."

He tried to push her from his lap. He was going to run but she refused to let him get away.

She sighed. "Okay, Rick, if that's the way you want to play it…"

"When you walked away from the precinct last week I opened up my mother's murderboard for the first time in six months. Why not? I had pushed away the one man I had ever truly loved and there was nothing else left for me. The rabbit hole was calling."

"You were right. I had crawled inside her murder and I never came out. I had let it define me for so long but I never really allowed myself to want more. People had been telling me I had to choose between her and more and I chose her. You told me I had to choose between her and more and I thought I chose her."

"Thought…?"

"When Coonan pointed his gun at you I never hesitated."

He shook his head, seemingly desperate to remain unconvinced. "You're a cop. It was instinct."

"If it wasn't you, I… might have hesitated."

"You have kept me safe and you have kept me alive and you did the one thing that no-one else in my life has ever done. You made yourself more important to me than finding my mother's killer. You kept me alive these last six months until I could realise exactly how important you are to me. Walking away made me realise that."

* * *

><p>"Rick...?"<p>

He couldn't speak.

"Forgive yourself..."

* * *

><p>They stayed on the couch, talking silently for a few minutes, then he drew back, caution in his eyes and voice as he spoke.<p>

"So what now, Kate?"

She breathed deeply and silently and let time pass and she was glad he gave her the space to prepare. She had made her choice and this was the moment to define her future.

"I still want to find him, Rick. I still want to find the bastard who killed my mother. And I want you with me when I do… if you will stay."

He held his gaze steady and took her hand and kissed her fingers as if to let her know there was never any possibility of him walking away again. "But…?"

"I will walk away if you ask me to."

His mouth dropped and she saw the hope in him.

"You can let this Smith tell the Dragon that I've given up, let him know that I will never touch her murder again, give all the evidence to him if he wants. I'll do my job for everybody else and we'll have a life together and we'll be safe. Just tell me to walk away."

She let him gaze into her, hid nothing. She could see he was tempted. She never took her eyes off him and she could see him start to open his mouth then close it many times until finally she saw his decision. He wasn't going to ask.

She would have loved him and walked away if he had asked; she loved him more now he hadn't.

"What's your plan, Kate?" There was gravel in his voice but he held strong.

"We get the package. Call Smith and arrange a meeting."

* * *

><p>She was slumped in his chair, the exhaustion washing through her as he walked back into his office and replaced the phone in its drawer. She looked up at him, eyebrows raising.<p>

"I've made the meeting for tomorrow night."

She sat forward, concerned. "But you've got your night with Alexis. You can't cancel it."

"It's a very late meeting. The night with Alexis will be finished by then."

She sat back, relieved. She never wanted anything of hers to take him from his daughter again. She closed her eyes and thought for a moment. "Okay, we're done with it for now. Nothing more to do about that until tomorrow night."

When she opened her eyes, he was staring down at her and she hoped he had found a peace to match her own.

"How you feeling? You tired?"

"Oh, I think I've still got a bit of energy left."

She warmed her eyes and smile and rose to approach him.

"Good.' She rubbed her hands across his chest as if to smooth any remaining ruffles in his heart. "Then let's go to bed, Rick. This has been a helluva week for both of us and we need to talk about the stress and the tension."

As the heat rose within him, she grabbed his hand and led him willingly into his bedroom.

* * *

><p>They spent until dawn talking their way into paradise.<p> 


End file.
